Children - - -
Real Life Experiences:
1) A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
2) When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
Five minutes later...."Da-ad...."
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later . . . . . . "Daaaa-aaaad . . ."
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
3) One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
4) A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,
The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said,
"I think he said: 'Holy Cow! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
"I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
5) A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
"If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
- - You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to
walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to
sit down and shut up.
The causes of insanity are genetic - - you get it from your children.
Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like cleaning the driveway before it has stopped snowing.
Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.
I asked Mom if I was a gifted child . . . she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.
The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
We child proofed our home three years ago and they're still getting in!
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws. "You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in
the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head.
His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles, she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!" The boy looked up, "Really?"
"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me one thing that's prettier
The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into
his grandma's face, and softly whispered, . . . "Wrinkles."
After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a
droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting
more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel
around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with
stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a
trembling voice, . . . "Who was THAT?"
A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like. We used
to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a
tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the
woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure
wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you
and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are
we alike?" You're both old," he replied.
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor.
She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't
know," she replied. "I can't read."
Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his father about the movie
we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with
the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of
the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?"
With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad,it was the 20,000 leaks!"
When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights
off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few
fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's
no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."
Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four."
At the head table in the cafeteria of a Catholic school, one of the nuns had
placed a big bowl of apples, she placed a note, which read "Take only one.
Remember, God is watching." At the other end of the table was a bowl full of
freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, still warm from the oven. Beside the bowl
was a little note scrawled in a child's handwriting which read: "Take all you
want. God's watching the apples."
A refreshing perspective --
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming
little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's
hitting the bottle."
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
Experience of policeman # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police.
Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
Policeman # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
Learning about the ELDERLY:
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of
false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
What atout SCHOOL?
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
Learning about the BIBLE - -
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called
out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the
back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
Argue with Children ???
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
Love - through a child's eyes:
A group of professional people posed this question to a group
of 4 to 8-year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they
got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.
See what you think:
"What does love mean?"
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving
cologne and they go out and smell each other."
Karl - age 5
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your
French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy - age 6
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri - age 4
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and
paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her
all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too.
Rebecca - age 8
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is
different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop
opening presents and listen."
Bobby - age 5
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a
friend whom you hate."
Nikka - age 6
"There are two kinds of love. Our love. God's love.
But God makes both kinds of them."
Jenny - age 4
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears
Noelle - age 7
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are
still friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6
"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else
kissing me to sleep at night."
Clare - Age 5
"Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken."
Elaine - age 5
A three-year-old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left was on the right foot. "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet."
He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet."
* * * *
On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"
* * * *
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked.
"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
* * * *
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."
His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
* * * *
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'"
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "OK Ryan, let's do that. You can be Jesus!"
* * * *
A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seal gull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
* * * *
(A little sad)
A couple of little girls were playing on the playground at kindergarten recently. One suggested to the other that they play house.
She said, "I will be the wife and you can be the ex-wife."
* * * *
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
* * * *
A little boy, attending church for the first time, watched as the ushers
passed the offering plate ! from pew to pew, the little boy piped up loud
enough for everyone to hear, "You don't have to pay for me, Dad. I'm under five!"
* * * *
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to
his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's
okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I
have to go to church on Sunday anyway,and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
* * * *
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say
prayers before eating?" "No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to.
My Mom is a good cook."
* * * *
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all
the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times
what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us
brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"
* * * *
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin
asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know
that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like
the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer
* * * *
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer. for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation, "she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."
* * * *
One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
* * * *
And one particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
* * * *
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
* * * *
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
* * * *
A father was at the beach with his children when the four year old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
* * * *
After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
* * * *
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table she turned to their six year old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replies. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
* * * *
Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."
* * * *
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife!"
* * * *
"Our Father, who does art in heaven, Howard is his name ......."
* * * *
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime
story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up
to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek,
then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?""Yes,
sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago." "Oh," she paused,
"Grandpa, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you
just a little while ago." Feeling their respective faces again, she observed,
"God's getting better at it, isn't he?
This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected (incorrect spelling has been left in).
1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called
Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble
with the unsympathetic Genitals.
5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel
6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
7. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.